The episode of abominations

The designers wake up to the twin feelings of fear and foreboding, airing their grievances unto the steadily rising sun.

Santi, he of the Sarimanok faux!hawk, has been dealt an ego-crushin blow by his team's performance during the last challenge.

The Fisherwoman a.k.a. Jas has finally experienced -- perhaps for the first time in her life -- what it feels like to have people expect something good to come from you, and feels the pressure to live up to that expectation.

Ugly Tracy nee Betty feels the way she has always felt in the presence of the cool kids: unwanted and unloved. She knows that it was her ass that was supposed to be sent home last week.

The rest meander aimlessly around the Amorsolo Mansions like so many reanimated corpses, their undead hunger to be sated only by sucking out any smidgen of creativity or innovation from their surroundings.

Once they're ready -- pancake make-up plastered on, formaldehyde injected once again into their veins -- the designers are shepherded into their holding pens at the School of Fashion and the Arts, where they immediately notice the Aranaz bags on the accessory wall. This is of course the producers' completely subtle way of hinting that this week's challenge is going to be bridal wear.

BUT! It's not just going to be any bride that they'll be dressing up! This season's celebrity client is model Isabel Roces, who we all remember for her blanket made of chili peppers. At least almost all of us, because Randy a.k.a. Inday has no idea who Isabel Roces is. Expect his gay license to be revoked once the paperwork gets through.

The designers are given free rein with the fabric, just as long as it isn't the usual white. Russel apparently sees that as a license to resurrect his third grade crafts project, because his gown is NEON GREEN and has LEAVES on it. I hate it with the heat of a thousand fiery suns and wish to burn it and crap on its ashes.

The Fisherwoman, of course, is not resting on her laurels, and once again fishes something out from the murky depths of Manila Bay. Once again she stays true to her roots -- the gown looks like it died and sunk into the bottom of the bay centuries ago.

The producers are also quietly planting the seeds of future bitchiness. Hanz and Patrick apparently have a "friendly competition" going on. Hanz says something but I tune it out because he doesn't make any sense. Sarimanok Santi, on the other hand, doesn't like the way Inday Randy is looking at him. Meanne, who has as much personality as a dirty dishrag, bleats meekly about who she thinks is going to win.

All of these tensions will have to be resolved some other time, because runway day is upon the designers. The models walk, the gowns are paraded, Russel is inexplicably safe. But never mind that, because the judges are at their acerbic best in this episode.

A sampling:

""I want to find something nice to say...but it's tragic. It's a tacky, tragic, Tracy wedding dress." -Rajo

"She took the darkest years of the Madonna era." -Isabel Roces

"That thing was an abomination." -Rajo

Apples was especially bitchy this episode as well, but I couldn't type fast enough while I was watching it. Suffice it to say that she is a deadly, venom-spitting viper and I love her.

The Fisherwoman and Ugly Tracy nee Betty end up in the bottom, this despite The Fisherwoman's immunity from the last episode. All signs point to The Fisherwoman leaving...but she lives to fish another day! DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!

Because I don't.