The episode of abominations

The designers wake up to the twin feelings of fear and foreboding, airing their grievances unto the steadily rising sun.

Santi, he of the Sarimanok faux!hawk, has been dealt an ego-crushin blow by his team's performance during the last challenge.

The Fisherwoman a.k.a. Jas has finally experienced -- perhaps for the first time in her life -- what it feels like to have people expect something good to come from you, and feels the pressure to live up to that expectation.

Ugly Tracy nee Betty feels the way she has always felt in the presence of the cool kids: unwanted and unloved. She knows that it was her ass that was supposed to be sent home last week.

The rest meander aimlessly around the Amorsolo Mansions like so many reanimated corpses, their undead hunger to be sated only by sucking out any smidgen of creativity or innovation from their surroundings.

Once they're ready -- pancake make-up plastered on, formaldehyde injected once again into their veins -- the designers are shepherded into their holding pens at the School of Fashion and the Arts, where they immediately notice the Aranaz bags on the accessory wall. This is of course the producers' completely subtle way of hinting that this week's challenge is going to be bridal wear.

BUT! It's not just going to be any bride that they'll be dressing up! This season's celebrity client is model Isabel Roces, who we all remember for her blanket made of chili peppers. At least almost all of us, because Randy a.k.a. Inday has no idea who Isabel Roces is. Expect his gay license to be revoked once the paperwork gets through.

The designers are given free rein with the fabric, just as long as it isn't the usual white. Russel apparently sees that as a license to resurrect his third grade crafts project, because his gown is NEON GREEN and has LEAVES on it. I hate it with the heat of a thousand fiery suns and wish to burn it and crap on its ashes.

The Fisherwoman, of course, is not resting on her laurels, and once again fishes something out from the murky depths of Manila Bay. Once again she stays true to her roots -- the gown looks like it died and sunk into the bottom of the bay centuries ago.

The producers are also quietly planting the seeds of future bitchiness. Hanz and Patrick apparently have a "friendly competition" going on. Hanz says something but I tune it out because he doesn't make any sense. Sarimanok Santi, on the other hand, doesn't like the way Inday Randy is looking at him. Meanne, who has as much personality as a dirty dishrag, bleats meekly about who she thinks is going to win.

All of these tensions will have to be resolved some other time, because runway day is upon the designers. The models walk, the gowns are paraded, Russel is inexplicably safe. But never mind that, because the judges are at their acerbic best in this episode.

A sampling:

""I want to find something nice to say...but it's tragic. It's a tacky, tragic, Tracy wedding dress." -Rajo

"She took the darkest years of the Madonna era." -Isabel Roces

"That thing was an abomination." -Rajo

Apples was especially bitchy this episode as well, but I couldn't type fast enough while I was watching it. Suffice it to say that she is a deadly, venom-spitting viper and I love her.

The Fisherwoman and Ugly Tracy nee Betty end up in the bottom, this despite The Fisherwoman's immunity from the last episode. All signs point to The Fisherwoman leaving...but she lives to fish another day! DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!

Because I don't.

The episode where nothing happens

The crop of designers for this season of Project Runway doesn't look particularly promising. Of all of them -- Hanz, Randy, Russell, Santi, Pau, Jas, Meanne, Tracy, Cherry, Manny, Richie and Patrick -- it is only Hanz, Santi, Patrick, and Manny who show any sign of promise. Good thing that there is enough drama to keep the season mildly interesting.

And now in this second episode, they don't even have that drama -- fabricated or otherwise -- to move the show forward. Nothing of note happens in this episode. Nothing. Things are not looking good.

This week's challenge is to make a collection of three outfits inspired by a movie. The twelve are grouped into groups of three. Hanz, Manny, and Randy, who all look like transplanted promdis with nary a clue in the world, form the "Titanic" group; Cherry, Pau, and Tracy, aka "The Axis of Fugly", pick "Chicago" as their movie; Santi, Meanne, and Richie pick "Dreamgirls"; while Jas, Patrick, and Russel pick LOTR. Anyone who knows me knows where my bias lies.

As dictated by Project Runway tradition, the first quarter of the show is dedicated to the designers meandering around the fabric store of choice looking for the materials needed for their designs. This stuff is usually glossed over, because frankly, picking out a fabric is not that fun.

Rather than doing the same, we are treated to the designers signing the praises of this season's fabric store of choice. "I love so-and-so store because their fabrics are so great!" "The salespeople are really helpful!" and so on and so forth. This goes on for what seems like forever and I end up sleeping through it like hobbits at an ent moot.

When the designers finally make their way back to SoFA...nothing happens. Yeah, yeah, they start working on their outfits, but this is usually the time in the competition when the fabric starts to fly and the queens start snapping their fingers like so.

Instead what we get is Manny the Manly Straight Man crying over the phone to his pregnant wife and Ugly Tracy nee Betty having a breakdown because she's having a hard time finishing her dress. Nobody really cares because they're ugly and they're straight, and since when have ugly straight people been given airtime on Project Runway? Not counting the fatty episodes?

Pau channels the thoughts of the audience as he performs eye roll after eye roll at Tracy. Passive-aggressive verbal barbs are also thrown around, and Pau has apparently gotten it into his head that he is going to be the next Wendy Pepper. Poor gay Pau.

Runway day finally arrives, saving us from slipping into catatonia because of that epic borefest. The judging panel has more intrigue that this year's designers. What happened to Apples' second surname? Why is Teresa Herrera always so beautiful? Why is the mic for the guest judge always turned off?

ANYWAY. The designs go down the runway. The "Titanic" team is safe. The judges say their piece. The "Lord of the Rings" team wins the challenge, and Pau is sent home. That's how exciting it was.

The only notable part was how Teresa bid farewell to Pau: "Pau, you have the lowest score. Get the fuck out and sit the fuck down, bitch." Ok, so she didn't really say that, but she should have. And she should have told that to this episode as well.